My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
