im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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