A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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