At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
is it fun? or sober?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
