The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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