Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
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You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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