she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.