the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb