I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sober January is a disaster.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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