found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
