sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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