fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
