i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
