Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
