My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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