hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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