Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's shark week go big or go home
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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