You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
