my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
