So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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