Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
