we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
