my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
