4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i think my tv is drunk
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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