That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
