Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
