Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
