He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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