every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
