Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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