im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
