You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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