when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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