I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
not ubering you a puppy
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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