I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
