apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
