She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
