Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
