I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm too high and old for this...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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