Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
