They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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