HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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