I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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