Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
