I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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