ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
