Jerry, you need to find god
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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