i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
