We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
