The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
