grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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