Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
