Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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