Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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