I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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