We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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