Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
