No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I could make wine with my vomit
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
