ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Will exercising make me less horny?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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