see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
