we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
