lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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