She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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