hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
