She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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